Ever since I can remember I've always been a dreamer. Always stuck up for the underdog. Always took risks for others. And always believed that I could change the world. Believed it wholeheartedly. And still do. Even as this child I always felt like I would end up living in some other country. I've never felt like I'd stay in the US. Not that I have any problem with being an American and all that, I've just always envisioned myself in some other part of the world helping people. Changing the world. Sparking a revolution. Making a difference.
Even when I was a baby someone told my parents, "She's going to do something great. She has something big planned for her." I don't remember exactly when my mom told me about that moment, but ever since it's been a blessing and a curse. More of a blessing when it's all said and done, but at time's of my life I remember thinking I had screwed up so bad that I had missed what I had been created to do. I had missed my chance to make my mark on this world. That was hard for me. My entire life I had really believed that I would do something amazing and great. I thought I would change the world.
Anyways, I want to change the world...
And a year ago I wanted to so badly, but I was starting to feel heavy wondering if my purpose had escaped me. I was 24, working at a job that I really did love, but wasn't fulfilling my biggest dreams in any kind of way. I was making pizzas at a factory and helping feed people, but I wasn't becoming a Mother Theresa by any means. I started to pray about where I had been and where I was going. Started telling God that I knew he probably had something decent left for me but that I was worried that I missed the Big Shebang he had for me.
After I started praying a lot about that I remember thinking over and over in my head, "Be still, and know that I am God." So, I continued working my job, and wondering where the life I had was going to fit into the life that was ahead.
For as long as I can remember we had these amazing friends that are basically blood family. Might as well be. And they've been going to these women's retreats for years now and last year was the second time that I had gone. The weekend was amazing, I had some occasional anxiety but nothing too intense. It was the last day and I felt skipped. I had been trying to continue to be still, and silent, and listen to God, but I wasn't getting anything. Not anything specifically for me, I should say. Before our last session I went outside to enjoy the amazing Ozarks of Arkansas. I went out and just sat quietly trying to clear my mind before the session so I didn't miss anything. I wanted whatever I was supposed to get this weekend
Looking out over this made me feel so small and so humble in the presence of all this beauty.
The music starts, I go inside and instantly I feel a major anxiety attack. I headed for the back and just sat there while we watched a video that I would have normally loved. I weathered through the anxiety after a good long while and got up for my seat once the movie was over. As I walked past the speaker of the camp, (a truly lovely older lady that spoke with wisdom, and truth, love and sincerity. And who also had you lingering on her every word) grabbed my arm. And in a hind sight is 20-20 kind of way, she sparked the beginning of this whole Haiti thing.She told me that she wanted me to know that God still had something for me, and not to worry about it, because it was coming very soon. Just to be ready for it.
I wept. And smiled. And knew.
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